


Solace

by iisohell



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Depression, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lots of Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Sexual Content, Sexual Content, Sociopath, Toxic Relationship, honestly someone please get hongjoong a therapist, hongjoong in a skirt, seongjoong, warnings and tags may be changed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:40:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29475618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iisohell/pseuds/iisohell
Summary: Kim Hongjoong was a storm. Anywhere he went, chaos followed.-Random updating schedule.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 10
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm Isohel. It's my first time writing a fanfic and to be honest I'm not sure if I can write it properly, I'll try my best. I'm open to constructive criticism! I'll write trigger warnings whenever it is needed. Also if anything is offensive please tell me and educate me about it so I will know and won't make the same mistake in the future again! I'm so sorry that this is so cringey..

Kim Hongjoong was followed by chaos. Wherever he went, things _always_ seemed to go wrong and at the end of the day he wounded up crying in his room, a bottle of alcohol pressed to his lips as he mumbled something incoherently.

After three freaking years, he started thinking that maybe fate was being good to him for once as nothing bad happened. Only good came his way. Needless to say he spoke too soon.

Seonghwa came back to the dorm late that day and Hongjoong clung to him stating he didn't see him for quite some time due to their overlapping schedules. He was expecting a hug back or even some kisses but instead he received the opposite. Seonghwa, the kind, gentle, loving Seonghwa snapped at him.

"I can't do this anymore, Hongjoong." The taller heaved a sigh, stretching his neck.

"Do what?" The younger asked him, eyebrows twisting in confusion.

"This relationship."

Hongjoong's heart sank at that. "What..what do you mean?"

"I thought this would've worked but..I think we're better off alone.." He took a deep breath and opened his mouth before closing it, as if having something to say but refusing to say it.

"And?" The blue haired probed, feeling anxiety pooling at the bottom of his stomach, he continued, "just tell me."

Running a hand through his hair, Seonghwa looked at him with the most pitiful eyes he's ever seen, "It's suffocating sometimes. Being with you. Sometimes you get jealous for no reason, pulling me away from the members."

Hongjoong swallowed hard, gently rocking back and forth on his feet. He didn't say anything but his face was somehow contorted into pain. He found it difficult to get the words that he wanted to say out. He wanted to ask what this would make them, if Seonghwa found someone else he loved.

Thinking that, his was immensely disturbed. Someone who Seonghwa loved—that someone who wasn't him.

Hongjoong-ah," he reached out cupping the younger's face, "I'm sorry."

And just as fast as his hands touched his face, it left.

Seonghwa walked out the room closing the door behind him and the coldness of the room increased significantly.

Hongjoong willed himself not to cry, mumbling to himself, "I should've known this shit would've happened."

To be fair it wasn't entirely Hongjoong's fault. When things come and go, you learn that you should hold on tight. Perhaps his grip was just too strong and his fear of losing Seonghwa to someone else was far too great, but in the end it didn't matter. He still lost him.

It's been two days since then and Hongjoong didn't cry, not even once. The tears threatened to fall but he refused to let it. He'd been camping out at his studio, occasionally leaving to get some fresh air whenever he felt too suffocated with his thoughts of Seonghwa.

Unfortunately, today was the dreadful day: group dance practise. All of them had gathered around, joking but Hongjoong couldn't seem to meet their eyes. He didn't know if they knew that he and Seonghwa broke up or not.

"Hyung?" Daring to look up, he caught Yunho's gaze. He have a wry smile, "Is something wrong?"

"No—it's just that you seen a bit, I don't know, off?"

"I'm fine. Anyways let's stretch before the instructor comes and we accidentally break our bones."

Hongjoong lost himself in the dance, portraying every single emotion that the song required as if his life depended on it. And he was almost sad when practise ended.

He casted a glance at Seonghwa to see the boy's chest heaving up and down, sleeves pulled up, skin sun kissed with disheveled black hair. Hongjoong would be lying if he said he didn't find it attractive, even if he was coated in sweat.

He watched as Seonghwa grabbed his phone and his face immediately lit up.

Who's he talking to, Hongjoong wondered. Someone who could make him smile as much as he was now.

A new lover? A voice much like his invaded his thoughts and Hongjoong immediately went tense. _Maybe he got tired of me, well, technically he did, got himself another lover and dumped me._ _He probably hated me_. The only question is: when? Did it start when he got the role for that new drama? Or did it start way before that?

Hongjoong took a shaky breath and shuffled out of the room, heading straight to the bathroom. Hitting his head as if trying to get it to shut up, he crouched by the sink.

_I'm so stupid._

"Deep breaths in, deep breaths out, deep breaths in, deep breaths out." The voice snickered inside his head, laughing at his blatant foolishness. He felt as if the world was spinning, slowly standing up he looked at himself in the mirror.

His bright blue hair was messed up, sticking in all different directions from when he pulled his hair and his eyes heavy with bags (from pulling all nighters at the studio) seemed to weigh ten times more, and bright eyes filled with love ever so slightly resembled a dead fish's.

The voice had stopped for a while now, but with the newfound doubts he felt all his energy drained. He felt it all weighing down. Gripping the edge of the sink, he just focused on his reflection. Did nothing but breathe. He felt himself becoming tired and decided it was time to leave the bathroom. He would go back to the studio and take a long nap and when he wakes up, he would feel anew.

But unfortunately, sleep did not come to him until a few hours later and when he finally fell asleep, feeling the bliss of floating in nothingness, he wanted to stay there forever. To not think much, to not hear the disturbing voice in his head that somehow managed to make its reappearance, to feel nothing, to be nothing. Truly it would've been a blessing if he could've stayed like this forever, but life seemed to hate him and he hated it too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I'll start updating every Friday :)

To say he slept for a while would've been an understatement. He finally opened his eyes when the clock struck seven o'clock in the afternoon.

Thankfully, he had a dreamless sleep. He wondered if it was God's saving grace or simply because he was far too tired—exhausted one could say.

But in exchange for a dreamless sleep, at the start of his day he began thinking. Maybe Seonghwa _did_ hate him. Maybe he wanted to get rid of him from the beginning and tried letting him go slowly, softly.

And just like that, Hongjoong fell down a hole of darkness. 

Thinking, thinking, _thinking_. He couldn't stop thinking. His mind seemed to race with countless thoughts of doubt and fear, the small voice in his head only confirming them. Pitching in every now and then to say, " _You're right about that._ " Or " _I wonder what he's doing with that lover of his.._ " and occasionally, _"Why don't I check through his phone?"_  
That thought itself was dangerous and Hongjoong's hands were actually itching to get on it.

The voice sounded like his, exactly like his, except more devilish, cunning even. He didn't like it.

With increasing worries, he decided to work on some music—the thing that got him through years and years.

He worked until he felt his eyes burning, tears forming in his eyes from excessive staring at the bright screen.

Soon, his phone is ringing. The shrill sound filling the room.

He checked the caller ID seeing the words _"friend"_ sprawled across the screen. What did Seonghwa want with him? He didn't contact him since the break up, only talking to each other when necessary.

Hesitating over the button, he tilted his head weighing his options. If he doesn't answer that wouldn't be a problem right? But then again what if something was wrong with one of the members? 

He answered.

"Hello?" Seonghwa's voice came through the speakers. He didn't sound like someone who was heartbroken, I'm fact he sounded preppy. For a while Hongjoong wondered if he was happy to be speaking to him or whether he was happy to be free of him.

"Hello?" Seonghwa repeated, "Hongjoong? Is everything alright?"

Clearing his throat he spoke up, "Yeah, what's up?" He tried to make his voice as light as possible but that didn't work out. It came out raspy and tired.

"You sure?"

"I'm sure. Is something wrong?"

"No, no, I'm just calling to tell you the members miss you and wanted you to come home tonight. We'll eat at a restaurant today, of course that's only if you're up for it and not busy with work."

Dinner, huh? The members missed you, not Seonghwa. The voice probed.

"Sure. Just give me a bit to finish this and send to EDEN."

"Mm, don't be late." He hung up after that. 

A few hours later they were driving to the restaurant, it was one of those where you got to sit at long rectangular tables and be loud. Sort of like a pub.

"Are you sure you don't wanna come with us?" San turned to the two managers who sat in the front seat. He smiled warmly at him before shaking his head.

"I'm sure. We'll pick you guys up later. Have fun, don't drink too much."

With that they sped off leaving the eight boys on their own. Ordering was a hassle. They boys ordered the most expensive things on the list with sixteen bottles of Soju.

All was going well until the lightning struck. Not literally, but figuratively.

"Seonghwa?" The brown eyed boy whipped his head around and a grin spread across his face, features lighting up, eyes sparkling.

"Shota!" He exclaimed pushing his chair back to greet the younger.

At the name, Hongjoong's stomach churned. The fried chicken in front of him didn't seem appetizing anymore, aromas in the air suddenly mixed together creating a nauseating scent.

Shota, that's the guy he started hanging out with. He remembered when Seonghwa came home skipping happily as he pecked Hongjoong's lips. He held his phone up with the brightest smile telling him that he got a model's number. They were the same age too, so he finally had another _friend._

He heard Seonghwa laughing before turning back to them, "Guys this is Lee Shota." He gestured towards Yeosang, Wooyoung, Mingi and Hongjoong. The others knew him since they had the same schedule as him for filming.

Hongjoong refused, absolutely refused to look up at his competition. With the way Mingi's jaw dropped and Yeosang froze before reaching for his chicken, and Wooyoung's cheeks coating red, he knew he was beautiful.

"Hongjoong? This is Shota, the dude I told you about."

Reluctantly, he lifted his head. And damn, he was awestruck. Messy black hair tied back into a short ponytail, a few strands framing his face and fox like black eyes that stood out even more with eyeliner. A chain connecting from his ear to his lip adorned his face, and his jaw, phew, sharp and clean. He wore a simple black shirt, the neckline plunging, revealing his collarbones and was tucked into blue denim skinny jeans that hugged his thighs and combat boots.

Great not only is he hot but he has a sense of style, and piercings. Oh let's not forget he's tall, and has a pretty smile. Basically an upgraded version of you. Isn't that fun. The voice in his head taunted and he almost said shut up out loud.

He licked his lips, ignoring the outstretched hand of Shota. However his smile didn't falter, "I'm Lee Shota, nice to meet you."

"Hongjoong." Was all he said.

"Ah, I've heard about you."

"Oh, really?"

"Mhm.."

"Ah, why don't you take a seat?" Seonghwa interjected, "or are you here with friends?"

"I'm here with them but I'm sure they wouldn't mind."

And that's how twelve of them ended up seated together, Hongjoong next to some talkative dude and Seonghwa sitting about five seats away with Shota clinging onto him, battering his eyelashes.

Hongjoong scowled looking down at his shoes that he reformed himself as the boy next to him chattered away. "They'd make a good couple won't they?"

"I'm sorry what?"

"Seonghwa and Shota. They look like models on the front page of Vogue."

Hongjoong could feel the bile rise from his throat, thinking about Seonghwa and Shota kissing, holding hands, hugging— doing all the things he did to him.

"I mean they're the perfect match for each other too, Shota's always been a diligent partner, separating work and his love life, such a pity his boyfriends nor girlfriends lasted long."

Hongjoong bit his lip. _He's everything I'm not._ His mood went down ten times, everything slowing down and he snatched the bottle of soju, chugging it all. He needed something to get his mood back up, he was a happy drunk. He wanted to feel happy. He didn't want to feel the jealousy burning in his chest and the sadness squeezing his heart.

He wiped his lips, "Excuse me for a moment."

"Huh? Yeah sure, man. Are you good though? You look a little..pale and you just chugged an entire bottle. I mean you're not gonna-"

He didn't wait to hear him finish and headed straight for the bathroom.

In all honesty he should've been happy for Seonghwa. He could probably get someone he deserves, someone who has time for him, someone who won't cling to him in the fear of losing him. Someone who trusted him.

And if things went well for him, he'd be happily smiling while waiting on an alter or some cliché thing.

Hongjoong regretted drinking the entire bottle. Five minutes in the bathroom and he was swaying, trying to keep steady. He slowly felt the sadness and anxiety disappear along with the voice. Yes, this is what he needed. Alcohol, a blessing and a curse but he loved it. He liked the way it made the voice disappear and when he left the bathroom he chugged another one and another one until he was left a giggling mess, and eyes hazy. And soon enough the stale jokes the guy beside him who he has yet to put a name to face, became funny. He felt numb and he liked it.

Then on his fourth reach for a bottle, a hand stopped him. He flicked his gaze up to the person. "Seonghwa!" He said a gigantic smile spreading across his face, "weren't you with that uh.." he struggled to remember the name (blame it on the alcohol), "lover boy!" He finally concluded.

Seonghwa's face scrunched, "Lover boy? Anyways you better not take another bottle it's not good for your health. You need to stay healthy."

"For the group? Yeah yeah I know. You can go back to your lover boy now. I'm fine, I won't do anything that'll put the group at risk because of my reckless actions." He saluted, a playful smile playing on his lips.

"I'm happy for you Seonghwa." The conversation didn't really make sense, Hongjoong didn't mean it but sometimes people say things they don't mean even under the influence of alcohol.

A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Bullshit, Hongjoong thought. Whether sober or drunk he said things he didn't mean.

He didn't miss the way Seonghwa's eyes darkened as he snatched the bottle, murmuring, "No more alcohol for you tonight."

"Tonight? So it's fine tomorrow then.." he mumbled trailing off. Luckily, Seonghwa didn't hear it.

A few moments later their managers pulled up, and they all filed into the car bidding each other goodbye. The chatterbox beside Hongjoong tried to exchange numbers with him but Hongjoong pretended to not see or hear the boy asking for it. Honestly, he hoped he would never meet him again, because something told him he and Shota came in pairs, and if he was there, said boy would be there too and he wouldn't like that.

Sometime during the night the fox eyed boy kept sneaking glances at him each time pressing closer to Seonghwa and it took every bone in his body not to snatch Seonghwa away—not like he could anyway, so he self medicated.

To say the night was long would've been an understatement, it felt continuous and ever going. And he hated it. He hated the way the boy stuck to Seonghwa's arm, lay his head on his chest, softly giggle at whatever he was saying.

He hated it and he hated himself for feeling this way.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW!!! Slight mention of abuse (nothing serious, I'll put a page break so you can skip over it)  
> Also sorry that this probably doesn't make sense. And cringey-
> 
> Have a great weekend tho :)

Emotions. Something Hongjoong has had _a lot_ of. One minute feeling everything weighing down on him, next he felt elated, high even.

He woke up with his head pounding and memories of the previous night flooding through his mind.

He groaned sitting up, slowly. He glanced around the room. He was in his studio. He remembered telling his managers to drop him off at the studio and even though they protested at first they eventually complied.

He wasn't that far gone when they came, in fact he was almost sobered up after chugging water for two hours straight. He was near too much people, and he needed a break. Going back to the dorm with seven other people wouldn't be good for him.

He stretched his hand unplugging his phone from the charging port. Unlocking it, he scrolled through his notifications seeing that he got a few from the group chat, stating they wouldn't have practise that day, but one chat stood out to him.

It was an old friend from middle school through high school.

_Minjun:_

_Wanna hang today? Just you and me. We haven't spoken in what seems like years (I'm probably over exaggerating, but it feels like it's been years)._

A soft smile made a way to his face as he quickly typed his reply saying he would meet him in two hours at the river bank near their old high school.

It was ridiculous of Hongjoong to choose a place that's quite literally one and half hours away from where he was but he didn't care. He needed to go somewhere far away where the others wouldn't randomly bump into him. He knew that even thought it was a day off, the members would come to practise sometimes even popping in his studio to say hi and beg him to come home, after practising they would loiter around outdoors. 

He quickly shuffled out of the room and into a small bathroom they had, a toilet, a sink and a shower. He did what he had to do and threw on a hoodie (honestly, after staying there for a week it became his (third?) home) and track pants, stuffing thin silver earrings into their piercing holes, and silver rings. He ran a hand through his wet, blue hair and cringed. _It will dry later on_ , he thought.

He grabbed his cell phone and keys for the studio, placing them on a rack outside while calling a taxi. Slapping his mask on his face and pulling up his hood, he headed out. 

  
Upon reaching the river bank he saw him—in all his glory. Somehow they seemed to be matching today in terms of clothing. With a bright smile he jogged calling out, "Minjun-ah!" Said boy lifted his head before a small smile gifted his face. Seeing him, Hongjoong immediately paused.

-TW;slight mention of abuse- 

"Your face." He deadpanned. Minjun blinked, tilting his head as he let his bangs fall over his eyes, "My face?"

"It's bruised."

"I could tell."

"Did he do it?"

"You know the answer to that. Rather you should be asking me, _'why didn't he stop?'_ Or _'what atrocious crime did you do this time_ '?"

Hongjoong sighed, "Minjun. Things like these are very concerning. You shouldn't joke about it."

-TW over- 

A soft laugh escaped the other boy's lips and unlike the sound he gave out, his eyes said the opposite. They were dead like fish.

"You're right. I shouldn't."

A moment of silence passed before Minjun spoke up again, "How are you? You look tired." His voice was merely a whisper.

Hongjoong shrugged trying to seem indifferent, "The guy I was with broke up with me for someone else. Nothing new. Same old, same old." Minjun didn't say anything for a while, just letting the gentle breeze push through their hair. "Well you know..I'm always here if you need me. Always."

Hongjoong shot him a smile that mirrored his eyes—void of emotion, "Maybe I'll take you up on that offer someday if things don't turn out well." He tugged at pieces of grass, smashing them together and trying to make some sort of powder out of it, "is your dad still making you take over the company?"

He heard a scoff from beside him, "When is he not?"

"Is it stressful?"

"You know better than anyone else how stressful it is." Honey coloured eyes locked onto his, "It didn't get better, Hongjoong. It got worse. These injuries are to prove it." He gave a bitter laugh.

Hongjoong looked at his friend with pitiful eyes, "Since I'm free and on the market, if you feel like wrapping your fingers around my neck I wouldn't mind."

That's how it's always been for them. When one went down somehow the other one would fall too, and in times like these they would lean on each other, use each other.

It was toxic. It was vile. It landed a few bruises on both of them, but it made them feel. Feel the emotions they wanted to feel. For three years Hongjoong stayed afloat because Seonghwa was by his side. Now that Seonghwa wasn't he needed something to keep him afloat, and fortunately there was Minjun.

Minjun helped Hongjoong get out of his head and Hongjoong let Minjun have control of something. It was a win-win situation. 

  
Hongjoong arrived at the studio at around six in the evening, having spent his entire morning and most of his evening with Minjun just talking. He was surprised when he saw Wooyoung sitting on his chair, spinning a pen in his hand.

"Welcome back, Hyung."

"I'm back.."the older replied cautiously.

"Where were you?" He asked, turning around and meeting his gaze.

"I was out." It was a curt reply, sharing no more than what was needed.

"With who?"

"Why do you feel the need to interrogate me? You don't interrogate Seonghwa like this."

Wooyoung's eyes latched onto his and he could see the burning hatred behind it, "Seonghwa-hyung wouldn't have gone with Shota if you were at home. Spending time with him."

_Maybe he's right. If I was there I he would've stayed with me. He wouldn't have left me._

Hongjoong felt his heart rate speed up and his blood boiled. His stomach burned angrily as he carefully spoke, venom dripping from his lips, "So I can't catch up with a friend now? Is that it? I gave Seonghwa all the time I had! When I wasn't working I was with him. Even when we didn't get to see each other I took time out of my schedule and texted him, I called him. And you're saying it wouldn't have happened if I was there? Please give me a break. For once. I know you like Seonghwa better than me, hell, I know you absolutely despise me but that gives you no right to tell me anything about my relationship when I put in one hundred and one percent of my soul into it. When I did everything I could've. You don't have the right, Wooyoung."

It was like all the feelings of anger he kept bottled up inside of him exploded as he went on, "Do you not care how I feel? Or how I felt when he kept coming home a bit later than usual, cancelling plans sometimes because he wanted to hang with his friends? Do you?"

Wooyoung glared at him, his tone matching Hongjoong's, "Well Hongjoong," He spat, "did you ever stop to think how Seonghwa-hyung would feel when you pulled him away from us because of your stupid jealousy? When you would practically isolate him? And you're right I do despise you."

He suddenly stood up and walked towards the door. His shoulders hit Hongjoong's on the way out and the door closed with a loud bang.

He honestly didn't know what got into Wooyoung and the talk he just had with him—or rather argument left a sick feeling in his stomach. Hongjoong didn't understand Wooyoung—one minute he told him he should've been there for Seonghwa then the next he was angry at him for pulling Seonghwa away from them. That he could admit and take responsibility for but not the 'Seonghwa going with Shota' thing. He was positive Wooyoung didn't even want to look at him and would probably delete his number and clear out their photos with each other, he was just that petty.

The sick feeling in his stomach didn't subside at all as he kept thinking which was something he couldn't stop doing these days.

He needed to drink it away. He needed to drink whatever feelings he was feeling away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing but pain, haha. I tried to make it emotional but I'm not sure if I did a good job.

Hongjoong woke up with a pulse in his head, _again_. His head was _throbbing_. Or maybe that wasn't the way to describe it. It felt like elephants stepped on his head, placing all their body weight on it.

He took a glance at his reflection in the mirror that stood opposite him and grimaced. Now that I think about it I wouldn't blame Seonghwa for leaving me.

To put it simply he looked horrible. His fading blue hair was dry and cow licked, the darkness under his eyes rivalled a raccoon's. The brown eyed boy's lips were chapped and his breath gave off the scent of alcohol. Everything not pleasant.

He raised an arm and sniffed himself, suddenly remembering that he didn't take a bath since the previous morning.

Perfect, he thought, now I smell like alcohol and sweat. Perfect combination.

He swivelled his head in the direction of the door as he heard a knock and let out a meek, 'come in'. It was their manager—a short stubby man nonetheless attractive.

He scrunched his nose as he took in the state of Hongjoong, "Jeez, would it kill you to clean up after yourself?"

Hongjoong pouted, "If it did I would've been cleaning long ago."

His manager looked at him with a blank stare, "Anyways, I came to take you back to the dorm. It isn't good for the leader to be away from the group for so long..."

The younger boy squinted as he looked at the top of the man's head, "Are you sure? I'd prefer to stay far away from them and I'm pretty sure they would like me to stay away too." He laughed a crisp sound that seemed empty.

Kim Youngsuk sighed, the lines on his forehead increasing significantly and Hongjoong wondered how he could turn from 35 to 65 in a matter of seconds. Youngsuk pressed his fingers to his temple, "I have no idea what went on between you all but you're fully grown adults and you should settle matters accordingly. Honestly, Hongjoong, I thought you would've been better since you're the leader. You're supposed to set an example to the others."

He took a deep breath in. He breathed it out. He understood the underlying meaning his manager was sending him. Because he was the leader he had to think rationally, which means to only think with his head and not with his heart. To not show his emotions and deal with everyone else's. If he was being honest being a leader was just too difficult for him.

But he stood tall and looked the manager in his eyes, "Alright. I'll go to the dorm."

A delighted look spread across the manager Youngsuk's face, "Great. Get dressed—you smell like crap."

Hongjoong scowled pushing past his manager, "I was gonna do that before you came.." he grumbled. 

Hongjoong was trying to delay his time going to the dorm. So what do you do when you want to waste time? Sneak out and buy hair dye. His stylist was going to skin him alive and castrate him but he still wanted to do it.

He held the small brush above his head slopping the liquid on his hair.

He had Minjun on facetime and he looked at the boy, nervously.

_"Hongjoong, are you sure you don't want your stylist to do this?"_

"I'm fine, I'm fine. It'll look amazing when it's done."

_"You do realize that you're going from blue to black? Is this a symbol of being heartbroken."_

Hongjoong tsked. "Shin Minjun, I do understand what I'm doing. I'm trying to waste time. And maybe it is a symbol."

_"Okay, but why didn't you do a piercing or something?"_

"Takes less time, duh. I thought you were smart."

He heard a sigh from the other side, _"Whatever. Just call me if something goes wrong."_

And that's how Hongjoong ended up rolling up to the dorm at six in the afternoon with hair dyed fully black and slightly curled.

He ran a hand through his hair quickly, furthering messing it up. He was going to walk into the dorm and pretend that everything was alright. He would pretend to be friends with Seonghwa, pretend to be happy, pretend to be on good terms with Wooyoung and pretend to not be heartbroken.

He smoothened out his shirt and retired his sneakers. Slightly pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose he opened the door.

Like in movies where the main character would enter the ballroom dance and everyone would immediately stop chattering—that's what happened. Except it wasn't because he looked good. It was because he was there. After being away for an entire week with little to no contact with them.

"Hongjoong?" Seonghwa's perplexed face came into his view and his breath hitched.

He still looked good. He didn't have bags under his eyes. He didn't reek of alcohol. His hair was in good condition. He looked whole.

The said boy pursed his lips and gave a small wave. "Surprise?"

He could see Wooyoung out of the corner of his eye stalk out of the room, slamming the door. With a sigh he leaned against the door frame.

"It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"More than." Was Seonghwa's only reply. He didn't look particularly happy to see him nor sad. It was sort of like meeting an acquaintance that you see everyday in your class.

Dull eyes followed the older boy's moments as he threw on a coat.

"Where are you going?"

Seonghwa rolled his eyes, "Out, obviously. With the members. Are you coming or not?"

Hongjoong was taken by surprise at the black eyed boy's attitude. Deciding not to dwell on it he weighed the pros and cons.

Pros: he would finally be with his members for lunch and probably catch up on some stuff. He would finally get to see all their faces.

Cons: he would see his members after weeks.

Not to mention the dinner table would've been awkward.

Taking a risk he slowly nodded his head. "I'll go."

Internally he began to panic. _Stupid! I'm so stupid why'd I say yes? Shoot, I'm going to be sitting at the same table as all of them. Kim Hongjoong can you get anymore stupider?!_

The silence in the car was loud. Deafening. Hongjoong twiddled with the ends of his skirt and tugged at the seams.

Of all places he had to be seated next to Seonghwa. And to make matters worse he could see Seonghwa texting someone with a small smirk across his face. He didn't have to think twice to know it was Lee Shota.

But was that all? No! Of course not. Hongjoong had never been one to lucky. His heart almost shattered as the boy beside him spoke a few words:

"Shota and his friends are gonna join us."

"Oh," his face paled and he could already feel the familiar sensation bubble up inside of him, "that's..that's nice."

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"Why would you think that?"

"I don't know, you didn't seem very fond of him the last time we bumped into each other."

Hongjoong blinked. He didn't realize Seonghwa was this dumb.

"Who would be fond of someone their boyfriend was hooking up with?"

"Ex," Seonghwa corrected, "ex boyfriend."

And with that a small piece of Hongjoong's heart shattered into tiny pieces.

-

  
Somehow, everyone ended up at the dorm. Everyone. Including Shota and his friends.

Hongjoong sat scowling in a corner as he watched the grey haired boy's hands roam up Shota's torso.

Why him?

He pictured the time when Seonghwa would do that to him resulting in some sinful actions that they would repeat at least six times.

His hand stretched for a bottle of soju and he knocked it back. Once again he was stuck next to the chatterbox.

"Did you know that Shota-"

"Dude, for once, shut up." He groaned, resting a hand across his forehead. At this rate he was starting to think chatterbox had a crush on Shota the way he constantly kept talking about him.

Something flashed in the boy's eyes as he said the unbelievable, "Make me."

"What?" Is he seriously drunk right now?

"I said: make me. I wouldn't mind being shut up by such a pretty boy like you." He inched closer, his hand briefly touching the other's.

Hongjoong grimaced, "Sorry but no thanks. You're not type. Plus I'm pretty sure you're in love with Shota."

A ghostly expression crossed Chatterbox's face, "H-how'd you-"

Hongjoong gave a mordant smile, "Helpful tip: stop talking about him."

"Then we're in the same boat. I see the way you look at Seonghwa. What if we just—"

"I'll have to stop you right there. No thank you."

"Why not? You want Seonghwa, I want Shota. If we work together it's a win-win."

Hongjoong didn't understand. Even if they did work together what's the possibility of Seonghwa coming back to him? Of Seonghwa loving him? None.

He shrugged, "If he's happy, I'm happy."

Chatterbox scoffed, "You sure as hell don't look happy. With all the bottles of alcohol you keep drinking and the obviously heartbroken expression you show when his hands caress someone else."

He didn't reply. He just let himself fall into his thoughts. Grabbing another bottle, he sipped on it and closed his eyes. It would all be better in the morning. They would all be gone and everything will be peaceful. Wooyoung would come up to him and apologise, Seonghwa would talk to him as normal. But he knew that was all wishful thinking. 

At the crack of dawn he heard some muffled noises. Something sort of like a cry.

Worried, he quickly got up from his position on the couch and shuffled towards his bedroom from which he heard the noise coming from.

The door was slightly left ajar so he peeked in and he was horrified at the sight he saw.

"Seonghwa?" He hated the way his voice cracked and he sounded vulnerable. Ten thousand weights were on his chest.

Seonghwa looked up and his eyes widened. He was penetrating Shota's ass and lustful moans were coming from the other.

Their hairs were stuck to their faces and hickeys decorated their bodies.

The tears pricked at the side of his eyes and his hands were shaking.

"Shoot, Hongjoong I-"

"I'm sorry!" He squeaked before turning away. Why was he acting as if they were still dating? He saw it coming. He freaking saw it coming. But it didn't stop the pain he felt. Seonghwa drew a knife, planted it into his heart and twisted it.

He felt his back pocket for his phone and he shakily scrolled through his contacts.

_Minjun. Minjun. Minjun._

Three rings before it was answered.

 _"Hongjoong? What's wrong? Are you okay?"_ A tired voice sounded. The black haired boy didn't know whether he was relieved or not.

"R-remember when I said that-that anytime you feel like wrapping your fingers around my neck I'll be fine with it? Please," the tears were streaming down his face and hiccups echoed, "can you do it? I just need to get it out of my head. I need to."

_"Hongjoong, breathe. Deep breaths in. Deep breaths out. I'll come meet you, alright?"_

"No. I'll..I'll come to you. I'll be there in twenty."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi sorry for the delay! I've been busy with work :(
> 
> Mild sexual content up ahead!! (no joke it's like really mild)

"Breathe, Joong. Can you do that for me?" Minjun was currently holding a sobbing Hongjoong in his arms in his room. His thumbs clasped on either sides of his cheeks wiping away the tears.

Small hiccups left Hongjoong's body as he nodded slowly, doing as instructed.

"That's it, you're doing good, keep going just like that. Breathe in and breathe out."

After Hongjoong finally calmed down he began questioning him. "What's wrong? I usually don't ask but to see you like this hurts me too. Now spill."

"I called you so we can fuck but you ask me why I'm crying?"

"It's called being a gentleman and a caring _friend_."

"Seonghwa. He was fucking Shota. On my bed. On my freaking bed. Can we please just stop talking about it? I can literally see it in the back of my mind and I think if we continue to talk about it or even mention it I will throw up."

"But what if you remember it while-"

"I won't! Now if we can just-" Hongjoong was cut short with lips pressed against his. They moved in sync aggressively, tongues tangled with each other.

"Are you sure about this? One hundred percent?" He pulled back and looked at the boy's flushed face.

"One billion percent sure." 

  
Hongjoong was far gone. With Minjun's hands wrapped around his neck, choking him just the way he liked it and his fingers buried inside of him. He liked it. He liked not thinking and for once he liked that he didn't have to get drunk to get rid of the thoughts.

Their bodies fit together like how puzzles would and for a moment he remembered Seonghwa on top of him and how well they also fit together.

He remembered how warm he would feel when Seonghwa would pepper kisses all over his face and body a stark difference between him and Minjun.

With Minjun everything was cold. They kept giving and taking, giving and taking. There was nothing warm about their relationship, just something cold and empty.

And perhaps it was better for Hongjoong. It was better to have a relationship like this with emptiness. If it was a fulfilling relationship it was sure to go wrong. It always did.

He felt the hold on his throat tighten, "You're thinking again. I could see it."

"Mhm. Help me with that won't you? Please?" His eyes darkened as he pulled his fingers out. He liked when people begged and he liked it even more when people were vulnerable beneath him. So he didn't hesitate to thrust inside Hongjoong agonizingly slow. Hearing Hongjoong splutter and beg for him to speed up made him feel like he was in control of at least on thing in his life. 

They did round after round after round, basking in whatever they gave each other until they were absolutely tired and couldn't move.

The smaller boy clung to his arms, breathing heavily.

"You know, Hongjoong, you can always come live with me. In this huge ass apartment. And if things get too rough you can work with me too. You know my father favours you. He wouldn't mind."

"I know. But can I really give up what I've worked years on to build?"

"Are you talking about music or the bonds you made with everyone?"

"Both."

"Sorry to break it to you but those bonds you made means nothing to them."

A punch to the gut. Something Hongjoong was having a hard time wanting to admit.

"They do mean something to them, I'm sure of it."

"Tell me, who's called you since you got here? Shit, you've been here since dawn. It's twelve in the afternoon. No one's called. No one's texted."

"That-"

"Nothing. You're better off without them. So just come, live with me. I can cook. I can clean. I understand you better than them."

Hongjoong looked up at the boy's face, it was an expression he couldn't describe.

It was the same expression he had years ago when they were in highschool. And he remembered clearly what he said.

_"When are you going to realize they don't deserve you? They flirt with you, they use you. You end up crying at the end of the day. Why do you hurt yourself?"_

"The way you're talking makes it seem like you're in love with me."

"I'm not."

"Good. We should keep it that way. Nothing good will come if the two of us fall for each other. You know how that went the last time."

Minjun grimaced, "Please. How is it that we were horrible together romantically but we're good as friends?"

Hongjoong pondered on it, "Maybe it's because we're friends. And we hated each other back then. Remember when you tried to rip out the pages of my music book because I was giving it more attention than you? And my payback was cutting the strings on your violin and sticking them to the back?"

"Horrible times. But was your relationship with Seonghwa that good? I've seen you cry but I've never seen you cry until you could barely breathe." Knowing that he calmed down he thought he could talk freely, throwing Seonghwa's name out there, trying to get a grasp of their relationship.

The feelings Minjun had towards Hongjoong were platonic, but something irked inside of him seeing his closest friend cry over the Park Seonghwa.

A soft smile spread across Hongjoong's face and eyes pooled with love, "It was good. He was kind, sweet even though he struggled with his emotions a bit. He'd remind me to eat and sometimes he would even bring stuff he cooked over to me. He was the only one who reminded me to take breaks. Plus being the two oldest in the group we got along well—you know sharing our problems and what not. And then," like flipping a switch, his eyes were now filled with deep hatred, "Lee Shota came along. Suddenly I didn't exist. All he saw was Shota." He took a deep breath.

"Do you know how hard it is Minjun? Watching someone slowly fall out of love with you. Seeing the texts and visits get less. Seeing him direct his attention to someone else. Seeing him caress him in front of me. Seeing him fuck him in front of me. To be honest, I wanted him to come after me when I ran out but he didn't."

It was the first time Hongjoong ever opened up about what he was feeling and Minjun absorbed all of it like a sponge.

_I should've protected him._

"You know what? I think I need a break or a rest."

"Then sleep?"

"Not like that. I think I'll just take a trip somewhere. You know? Free my mind." 

"Where? When?"

"That's a secret." He smiled to himself, gears turning in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes Minjun does the cooking AND the cleaning


End file.
